We’re almost at the 11 month mark, and before most of the earlier details become too hazy, let me try and document the journey as accurately as possible. 

The first 3 months

Or should I call it, the walking dead that never ended! My sweet baby girl, Atarah, if you’re reading this just remember that mommy loves you, but lets get real…

Pregnancy and having a new born baby is definitely not always sunshine and roses. Let’s actually rewind back to pregnancy: The first trimester being on death’s-bed-sick. Feeling as if my insides were being ground by a meat grinder and just for good measure repeating the process again and again. Second trimester was actually good, I could feel “the glow” I think. But mostly what made it great was that I felt like a person again. I could exercise and get back into my old routine, for the most part. Third trimester was back to feeling tired, no energy and to top it all I had braxton hicks. I couldn’t eat much throughout as my tummy always felt full. But I had ignited a sweet tooth that would put Willy Wonky to shame. Sadly I’m still trying to shake this off now! 

Ok fast forward to the day we brought baby Atarah home… Having a 2.2kg baby in winter who, we figured out during the first 3 months, had colic and silent reflux, was a challenge to say the least. Having postpartum was the part that pushed me over the edge. I mean, really really over the edge to a crazy that even scared me. There’s a show called “Working Moms” on Netflix at the moment and in one scene the lady dreamily describes how she images flying over the ocean or something, crashing and just closing her eyes and going into a deep sleep. That’s exactly how it feels! All you want to do is disappear for a (significant) while, close your eyes and be brain dead (I do not think the latter is possible in a female brain by the way… i wonder if it’s like that if woman are in comas too, I can’t imagine us every switching off while our hearts were still pumping).

I unhesitatingly used the words, one evening to my very frightened husband, “I just want to drive off a bridge” (and to those who know me and my bad directions you’d know I’d get lost on route to the bridge anyway) after which I proceeded to storm out the house. Shame, I’ll never forget the way he looked, but at the time it was all his fault too.

Enter a gynea visit and some happy pills (and delving back into prayer time and His word), which really took the edge off, making life much more bearable and calmer for us all.

Oh gosh I actually just remember that both my mom and my mom in law stayed over (not at the same time) in the first month and I cringe at what a monster I must have been. There is actually no way to fully describe the way it feels and then to add to the hormones the pangs of guilt for wanting to be alone, have some peace and quiet. But mostly guilt because I wanted to have a baby with my husband and we had miscarried and now here was this little life which was such a blessing. Guilt because I had everything I prayed for. Except sleep at that point. I really needed sleep. 

We gave Atarah every remedy and medicine anyone suggested. We even took her to the chiro – who was a God-send for my own sanity. She was so encouraging and I really felt calmer after leaving a session with her. While Atarah was getting all her farts massaged out, I was getting encouragement and being reminded that it’s all normal, that one day I’ll be me again, that it’s just a phase that she’ll outgrow. Jackie Baker in Melkbos – thank you again for everything you did for us during that really tough time. 

Ok ok now it really sounds as if it was all one massive nightmare… but just look at the pics on the right <3 

I just cannot imagine not having this little girl as part of my life. She has completely stolen my heart and I love watching her grow and form her little personality. I’m excited to do this life with you Atarah and prayer that God blesses us, our family and has His hand over everything that we do.